"Oh Mom," I sighed, as I turned away to block my eyes rolling to the back of my head. I entered my room and turned the tape deck back on to listen to Donnie and Jordan convince me that I had the "right stuff." Oh, oh, oh, ohhh...oh, oh, oh oh! Mom had done the inexcusable, ...again,... gotten all dreamy on me as she re-told the story of my first day at school. Yes, Mom, I remember....How many times can you hear the same story without getting a little impatient? What's the big deal? Oh, oh, oh, ohhhh!
Smiling at the memory, my mind blasted back to the present . It's my turn now, I thought. The first day of school. Breakfast was over and I was putting the last of the dishes away. My little girl sat anxiously across the room at the kitchen table intent on watching the clock advance to the magical hour---the big hand on the 12 and the little hand on the 7. She swung her legs impatiently, opened and closed her new backpack, checked once, then twice for necessary pencils and crayons and freshly colored picture for her new teacher. Happily she examined the lunch I had packed inside her overly-sized lunch box and asked again "when is snack time at school, mama"? My hands rested on the edge of the kitchen sink as I patiently reviewed the schedule of the day with her. I stared out the kitchen window--my eyes wet, tightly clenched.
After more than five years of being her sole care giver, I found myself struggling with "letting go." Caught up in the moment my mind swirled in long ago memories from my first day at Kindergarten. I was so ready! My December birthday made me wait a full year longer. My daughter's January birthday put her in the same predicament. A full head taller than most because of age and genes, we had a lot in common! I remember the day well, maybe because it was retold so many times. Regardless, I can still feel the excitement of wearing my new blue and white diagonally striped dress. My hair, freshly washed and curled, was held back with tiny white butterfly clips. I stepped into the morning air with my brand new orange Snoopy lunchbox and was ready to launch! But wait! My Mom insisted on taking me to the bus stop. When we arrived I didn't hesitate to jump out of the car and race to the front of the line. Shortly, the bus arrived! The door opened with a swoosh and as I stepped up I heard my Mom call out for 'one last picture.' I turned and she caught the moment in a picture Why the tears, Mama? I turned and entered the huge yellow cavity; the door closed and a whole new world welcomed me.
Now, glancing down at the fresh face in front of me, I knelt down to meet her eye to eye. She placed her little hand on my cheek and leaned in for a quick kiss. She giggled. She recited her teacher's name and wondered out loud where she would put her lunchbox. Do they have a refrigerator, she asked? Will I have homework tonight? Innocence. Sweet, sweet innocence. Smiling, I answered each question slowly arguing with time. Behind my calm smile the back side of my brain exploded with hope, anxiety, love, fear....is she ready? Did I say all that needed to be said? Did I teach her all that needed to be taught? Did she learn? Will "they" be nice to her? Will she be nice to them? Will she be accepted? Quickly now, brush the tear away, it's time! Am I ready?
